Not Interested in Sex?
Question
How is a Christian to deal with a spouse who has no interest in sex?
Answer
This is a very complex question with several different possibilities. Thus, I may only make general comments.
As most are aware a husband and wife should not “defraud” one another accept by mutual consent (1 Cor. 7:5). I use the King James English here as it brings up an interesting point – there is a theft taking place. However, your question is not if this is wrong (which according to Scripture it normally is), but rather what should one do about it.
Why is there a theft taking place? First, one must not jump to conclusions about why this is taking place. Having no interest is sex may be the result of several things happening in a person’s life. They may be having an emotional struggle with the past (child abuse, spousal abuse, etc.) or in the present (how is their relationship with God, worship attendance, and service? etc.). Moreover, they may have a medical impairment which is causing a lack of desire (i.e. high blood pressure, abnormal blood lipids such as high cholesterol, diabetes, and vascular disease, etc.). Childbirth, particularly when recovery is prolonged by postpartum depression, may cause damage to a woman’s arousal levels. Moreover, various prescription drugs may adversely affect sexual urges in males and females alike. There may also be unresolved problems within the marriage (Eph. 4:6, etc.). Or, the one everyone’s mind seems to jump to first, there may be another person. So, it is best not to jump to conclusions (Rom. 12:1-2; Heb. 12:1-4; Phil. 4:4-9; cf. Prov. 3:5; 4:23, etc.).
This gives rise to the second general principle when confronted with such a situation – prayer and the Word of God. As breathing is to our survival as humans, prayer is the Christian’s life force in this present existence (Psa. 66:19-20; 69:3; 102:1; 1 Thess. 5:17, etc.). Individual communion with God is extremely important. It is part of the armour of God in Ephesians 6:10-18 and we can not stand successfully in the midst of trails without it. In addition, the Word of God gives us wisdom to act wisely (Prov. 3:1, 3, 5; 4:21; 10:8; 12:8; 15:28; 16:9, 23; 18:5; 19:21, etc.). This communion with God will aid one in making decisions about such situations – decisions that one will have to make after seeking a multitude of counsel (Ps 16:7; Prov. 8:14; 11:14; 12:15; 15:22; 19:20-21; 20:5). God may teach many things during such a trail – one of which is not to let this trail turn into a temptation (1 Cor. 7:5).
Lastly, in general I would seek out the counsel of “a” pastor with counseling abilities (not all are gifted in this area). Please note I stated “a” pastor and not necessarily “your” senior pastor. While one should submit to “a” pastor (Heb. 13:17, “obey your leaders” (plural) … “submit to their authority” (plural)…”They keep watch over you” (plural) .. “Obey them” (plural)), a loving and wise senior pastor knows his abilities and giftedness, or lack thereof (1 Cor. 12:4-6, etc.). At times it is better to go out of town, away from prying ears, to discuss such situations (one will need to weigh this). However, it is important that one “discusses” such situations with someone who is competent to counsel and who will listen and be able to give biblical advice.
Answer by: Joseph R. Nally, Theological Editor, on behalf of the staff at IIIM.